Best political jokes

[Sacco]

For its 20th anniversary in 1996, the radical US magazine Mother Jones asked Alan Dundes, a professor of anthropology and folklore at the University of California, Berkeley, to select the best political jokes of the previous 20 years:

http://www.motherjones.com/news/outfront/1996/01/dundes.html

I don't know about you, but I'm sure we can do better.

[Sacco]

This one was told by Stalin, no less, about a visit from a Georgian delegation:

They come, they talk to Stalin, and then they go, heading off down the Kremlin's corridors. Stalin starts looking for his pipe. He can't find it. He calls in Beria, the dreaded head of his secret police. "Go after the delegation, and find out which one took my pipe," he says. Beria scuttles off down the corridor. Five minutes later Stalin finds his pipe under a pile of papers. He calls Beria—"Look, I've found my pipe." "It's too late," Beria says, "half the delegation admitted they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."

... as retold by Ben Lewis in Prospect, May 2006, online at:

http://www.prospect-magazine.co.uk/article_details.php?id=7412

[Fiona]

Tony Blair-lesson in semantics

Prime Minister, Tony Blair, was visiting a school when a teacher asked him if he would care to lead the class discussion on semantics. Tony smugly chose the word ‘tragedy' and asked the class to give an example of its use.

One boy stood up and said, “If my girlfriend, Suzie, who lives on a farm, was playing near the cesspit, and fell in, and her dad stuck a fork through her chest and killed her, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Blair, “that would be an accident.”

Keli, raised her hand and suggested: “If there was a nuclear war that killed all the blokes but left the girls alive and  last bloke on earth lost his testicles in a shaving accident, that would be like, a REAL tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not.” Said slimey Tone. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the room in vain for an upraised hand. “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me a correct definition of the word 'tragedy?”

Finally,the teacher said: “If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, the cabinet and Mr Bush was struck by a ‘friendly’ missile fired by an American helicopter gunship and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Blair. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well...” replied the teacher, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

[saeeda]

A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.

The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"

"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.

"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.

"But I'm not an American," the man says.

"What are you then?" asks the mother.

"I'm an Iranian," the man says.

The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:

Islamic Extremist Kills American Dog.

[Natty]

What was the Independent Police Complaints Commission's verdict on the man who was shot seven times in the head on the tube?

Worst case of suicide they'd ever come across ...

[Natty]

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

A pilot of course ......

[Added Fibre]

Why do Marxists like fruit infusions?
 -because all proper tea is theft.

[Sacco]

A frog is sitting by the side of the River Jordan when a scorpion approaches.

'Hello,' says the scorpion. 'Would you do me a favour and carry me across the river on your back please?'

'No way,' says the frog. 'You're just going to sting me.'

'Why would I do that? I would drown if I killed you,' says the scorpion.

The frog thinks about it for a minute and then shrugs and allows the scorpion to jump on his back as he starts to swim across the river.

About half way to the other side, though, the scorpion stings the frog.

'Are you crazy? What did you do that for?' says the frog. 'Now I will die and you will drown.'

The scorpion smiles. 'Welcome to the Middle East, bitch!'

[Sacco]

I see Tommy Sheridan has turned his hand to comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe:

http://politics.guardian.co.uk/scotland/story/0,,2148956,00.html

"How does a tabloid journalist practise contraception? They use their personality. Five tabloid journalists have been shot dead. The police called it a massacre. I say it's a start. And as for the suicide bombers' heavenly reward for their attacks on Glasgow airport, where would they find 21 virgins in Glasgow?"

[Neruda]

A Speech Is Born
http://www.reclusiveleftist.com/?cat=17
I’ve figured it out: the Bush Administration is a play by Ionesco
A Play in One Act

The Scene: The War Room. The space is littered with empty pretzel bags. A gigantic sensory deprivation tank occupies the center of the room. President Bush floats inside, wearing a suit. Attached to his head are electrodes trailing corroded wires.

Chorus of Advisors: Sir, your approval rating is down to 29%. You’re in Nixon territory.
Bush: I Am Not A Crook.
Chorus of Advisors: It’s Iraq. The public thinks it’s turning into another Vietnam.
Bush: Tell Iraq It Doesn’t Get To Be Vietnam. It Has To Keep Being Iraq. We Already Have A Vietnam.
Chorus of Advisors: Yes sir.
Bush: Little Countries Are Tricky.
Chorus of Advisors: Yes sir. Sir, actually, it’s the war. The public thinks the war in Iraq is like the war in Vietnam.
Bush: We Left Vietnam Too Soon!
John Kerry: We?
Bush: If We Hadn’t Left Vietnam Al-Qaeda Wouldn’t Have Killed All Those Boat People!
Tony Snow: (to the Advisors) Is that going to be in the speech?
Bush: Al-Qaeda Killed A Million Cambodians In Vietnam! Sam Waterston Movie.
Laura Bush: Netflix.
Robert Dallek: Actually, the Cambodian killing fields were the result of our prolonged and ill-advised intervention in Southeast Asia, which destabilized the entire region and laid the groundwork for the rise of the Khmer Rouge. Similarly, the crisis in Iraq is the result of our occupation of that country, and our continued presence not only exacerbates the situation but serves as a focal point for regional–
Secret Service Agents: Okay, let’s go, buddy.
Bush: And Then Al-Qaeda Took Over Iraq!
Juan Cole: Al-Qaeda didn’t have anything to do with Iraq before we invaded.
Bush: Japan Used To Be Like Al-Qaeda. Then We Bombed Them. Now They Make Comic Books.
Chorus of Advisors: Uh, Mr. President…
Japanese Ambassador: What the fuck did he just say?
Bush: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Dick Cheney: Fuck!
Bush: I’m A War President!
Chorus of Advisors: Yes sir.
Bush: If We Have To Bomb Korea To Save The Cambodians In Iraq, Then Bring It On!
Chorus of Advisors: Sir, we agreed we’d hit Iran next.
Bush: We Don’t Have Relations With Iran On The Table. They Could Proliferate.
Ghost of Nixon: We take this action not for the purpose of expanding the war into Cambodia, but for the purpose of ending the war in Vietnam and winning the just peace we all desire. We will continue to make every possible effort to end this war through negotiation at the conference table rather than through more fighting on the battlefield.
Dick Cheney: Mein Führer! I can walk!
Bush: Hey, I’m The Commander Guy!
Kos: Did I mention I was in the Army?

[Natty]

Bush summoning up the ghosts of Vietnam in his defence ---whatever next? In the words of the prophet, the main difference between Iraq and Vietnam is that Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam.

[saeeda]

Play-time has just finished at the George Bush Primary School and Nursey and the teacher asks Sarah, one of the children in her class: "What did you do during the break?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a lovely bar of chocolate."

Sarah does and gets a bar of chocolate. The teacher asks Morris, another of her children, what he did during the break.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a lovely bar of chocolate."

Morris does and gets a bar of chocolate. The teacher then asks Mohammed what he did during the break.

Mohammed says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris in the sand box, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. I tell you what - if you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' correctly I'll give you a lovely bar of chocolate."

[Sacco]

A man meets a friend who has only one arm.
Where are you going?' he asks.
'I'm going to change a lightbulb.'
'Won't that be difficult with just one arm?'
'I don't think so. I've got the receipt.'

[Fiona]

Except it's not a joke!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/7010326.stm

Mr Vaz and Ms Blears were chatting on stage before a question-and-answer session involving several Cabinet ministers.

Just before she rose to give her conference address, Ms Blears asked: "How will you know that I know the answer?"

Mr Vaz, MP for Leicester East, replied: "Well, I don't. Just sort of wink at me. Don't start immediately because the mic has to go up.

"Don't speak before I call your name."

To which Ms Blears, MP for Salford, said: "Don't speak until you're spoken to."

Mr Vaz then joked: "Pretend it was like the old Cabinet."

[Sacco]

(Parental Warning: This post contains subject matter that is not unkind to Labour ministers.)

Alan Johnson does a good impression of having a sense of humour at times. Yesterday at Labour conference he referred to Dawn Primarolo who has become a health minister after ten years at The Treasury by saying: 'This is indeed the era of a new Dawn.'

And during the deputy leadership contest he answered a question about whether the party needed a woman deputy by saying: 'For those who believe it ought to be a woman there's not much I can do. The operation is expensive and it takes too long. And I'm very much in touch with my feminine side.'

Well it made me smile anyway ...

[Millymolly]

Donald Rumsfeld briefing the President

He told the President that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all the colour ran from President Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "just exactly how many is a brazilian?"

[Sacco]

How many SWP members does it take to change a lightbulb?

The SWP never changes anything, comrade ...

[Sacco]

The trade unionist and the genie

A drink-sodden trade unionist is nursing a bottle very closely, idly rubbing his hands up and down against it, when suddenly – whoosh! - out pops a genie.

"Blimey, you're a genie! Can you grant me three wishes?" says the trade unionist.

"Okay," says the genie, "but only if you share your good fortune."

"Fine, I'm a socialist. I believe in sharing," says the trade unionist.

"Thing is," says the genie, "whatever you wish for I'm going to give every fat cat capitalist in the country two of the same thing. Still want to do it?"

The socialist nods.

"Okay, what is your first wish?"

"I'm going to wish for a 100 per cent wage rise for everyone in the union," says the trade unionist.

"Okay – done,” says the genie, “and every fat cat capitalist gets 200 per cent."

“My second wish,’ says the trade unionist, “is for everyone in the union to get 12 weeks holiday.”

“Okay, and every fat-cat capitalist gets 24 weeks,” says the genie. “Now what about your third wish?”

The trade unionist thinks for a moment: “Well, a 35-hour week would be good …”

[Neruda]

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell.

So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"

[Sacco]

A duck waddles into Harriet Harman's office. 'Can I help you?' she asks. The duck replies, 'Yes, I'd like to make a donation to your campaign fund.' 'Certainly,' she says. 'Will you paying cash or should I put it on your bill?'

Quack, quack.